How to be a geezer: Part three

Column by Mary Stobie
Posted 8/21/18

Because of the positive response to my former columns regarding geezers, (May 24 and July 5) I will write again on this topic. The truth is I have many qualities of a geezer. I struggle with …

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How to be a geezer: Part three

Posted

Because of the positive response to my former columns regarding geezers, (May 24 and July 5) I will write again on this topic. The truth is I have many qualities of a geezer. I struggle with technology. Yes, women can be geezers too. Geezers enjoy life because they like to have fun and don’t feel obligated to act nice 24/7. If you’ve gotten over trying to please everyone, and want to have more fun, read on. Try any of the following:

1. On a sunny day, wear a Hawaiian shirt and baggy shorts. Sit in a lawn chair your front yard and stare into the sky. When your neighbor asks what you are doing, say, “I’m watching for tornadoes.”

2. Stand in a long line at the post office. When the clerk says, “May I help you?”

You say, “I need help with this crossword puzzle.”

3. Don’t like eating alone? Bring your talking parrot to the restaurant.

4. Your relatives drop in for dinner. When they are gathered around the table, you serve only a giant bag of potato chips. If they ask for anything more say, “We’ve got French Fries.”

5. On top of your fence, line up all your prescription bottles. Shoot them off with your BB gun.

6. Wear your bathrobe and slippers to the supermarket. If you run into your psychiatrist at the pharmacy, ask him “Can you write me a script for new psych meds?”

He says, “Sorry I can’t remember your name.” You say, “I can’t remember yours either.”

7. As you leave the market, if you can’t find your car in the parking lot ask a passerby, “Help, I lost my car.”

After you both check every row of cars, then say, “Sorry, I forgot I walked here.”

7. When you see your physician, he says, “Open your mouth and say “Ah.” You say, “You’ve got to be kidding!”

8. When your dentist hands you the bill, empty a bag of political buttons onto the counter. You say, “This is all I can afford.”

9. Baldspot? No worries. At the airport ask the shoeshine guy “Can you put black shoe polish on my pink spot?”

10. After praying on your knees you climb into bed. You line up your slippers correctly, but when you wake in the morning each slipper is on the wrong foot.

11. Get a paper route. From your electric wheelchair pitch papers like Randy Johnson (Diamondbacks’ world series pitcher) onto people’s porches. If you break a window, say “Oops” and keep riding.

12. The senior softball coach asks a player, “Are you coming back next year?”

Player says, “Yeah, if I’m alive.”

For many of us, this is a precarious time in our lives. But enjoying every moment in life is doable. Acting like a salty geezer is good. You’ll live longer.

Mary Stobie is a syndicated columnist. If you have comments about geezers and geezer humor, please contact Mary at mry_jeanne@yahoo.com.

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