Sheriff's Calls

Posted 7/5/22

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty. 

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Sheriff's Calls

Posted

Some disassembly required

CONIFER – Venturing out on the morning of June 8, he was distressed to discern the “hydraulic arm” neatly unbolted and completely detached from the heavy gate protecting his property. Investigating deputies noted gouges in the earth suggesting the gate crasher’s subsequent attempts to swing it open had met with stout resistance from the ground. As nothing in the yard or house appeared to be missing or misused, it was assumed the person or persons behind the abortive break-in had been scared off by motion-activated lights on the garage. Deputies advised him to install exterior cameras, and he was able to re-attach the hydraulic arm handily.

Dingers of destruction

MORRISON – When deputies arrived at about 11:30 p.m., he escorted them directly outside onto his balcony and showed them the hole. It was a two-inch hole, and he said it had been driven straight through the siding of his second-story only minutes before. He said the hole couldn’t be repaired short of replacing the entire panel, and he further said he knew exactly who put it there. A couple of punk kids and their punk friends were having a wild party just across the way, and he’d deduced from the violent sounds echoing across the night that they’d been whacking rocks at his residence with an aluminum baseball bat. He demanded that officers bring down the swift hammer of justice on their little punk heads. Examining the complainant’s balcony and the ground beneath, deputies found no rocks or other likely projectiles. Crashing the alleged party, they found the house dark and silent and the aforementioned punks fast abed. Their mother said the lads hadn’t had anyone over to the house that evening and they’d been asleep for more than an hour. Turning back toward the complainant’s home, officers estimated the distance between themselves and the perforated panel to be something north of 300 yards – almost certainly too far for a whacked rock to land with any conviction. They told the complainant he might not have the hole story.

BOLO for Frank Azar

EVERGREEN – Distributing self-promotional materials on the evening of June 10, his hustle turned into a hassle when two men in a “red golf cart” puttered up and dressed him down. The two men told him there had been “a lot of burglaries” in the neighbor recently, and that he “can’t be soliciting here” He told the two men he wasn’t a burglar and hadn’t seen a single “No Soliciting” sign anywhere in the area. The two men told him he had to leave on account of his reckless “speeding.” “That’s a lie,” he snapped. Growing frustrated at his persistent recusal refusal, the two men “ran up” and tried to “strong arm” him out of the neighborhood. After a few tense moments, he got back in his vehicle and the two men puttered away. Contemplating the confrontation for a long while, he finally called JCSO, telling deputies he’d felt “fear for my safety” and showing them a cell phone photo of the impertinent pair. Deputies took a report and told him it’s usually best to call immediately when feeling “fear for my safety.”

Terror by Tonka

EVERGREEN – Willy and Roscoe don’t get along, which is too bad seeing as how they’re next-door neighbors. When Willy saw Roscoe digging a hole on the morning of June 11, he “stopped on the road” to snap a picture of the project. Apparently camera shy, Roscoe proceeded to “chase” Willy “in a dump truck.” During a pause in the pursuit, Roscoe leapt from the cab and approached Willy’s wheels bellowing “Get out (miserable fool) so I can kick your (attitude)!” Willy stayed put, so Roscoe “went back to what he was doing” and Willy called the cops. Contacted by deputies, Roscoe denied chasing or threatening, but freely admitted telling Willy to “stop blocking the (forejudged) easement!” Since their ongoing disputes are already working their way through the civil courts, deputies advised both men to leave them there.

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty. 

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